Edge of Bardo

"The word "Bardo" comes from the Tibetan words "bar" meaning "in between"; "do" meaning "island" or "marking point."

I've taken great liberties with a definition of Bardo. I'm not a buddhist - don't really believe in a karma reproducing life. I'm more the garden variety Catholic girl who never grew up her version of heaven and hell after we die. So I prefer in my naivete to believe that my mother is on her way to heaven. And here is where I stole the Bardo concept. Maybe it was for my own solace. I could think of my mother lurking about for 30 days to energetically care for us and to let us feel her presence. Well I grabbed that concept and its been helpful for me this last month.

I've never been good at Good Byes. I prefer a wave of the hand and a tight hug, saying "Hey I'll see you soon." Not to dip into a despair of never seeing someone again. Maybe that is why when I see people I haven't seen in years, I am struck with the feeling of picking up right where we left off.

But I cannot escape the "ugh" of realizing I have no receiver at the end of my daily phone call to mom. I can call my dad - but boy oh boy - it just is not the same. My mom used to get excited about the smallest things for me. She had an interest in stupid small things - like what I was going to cook for dinner or what was at the grocery store. And I was interested in what she was telling me....maybe the funny Raymond show that they watched last night. Or I could listen to her work herself into a complaint and then say - "Oh I shouldn't say anything bad. It really is okay. I'm just feeling sorry for myself." And we would ping pong back and forth about sleep patterns, traffic, weather and any ol' thing that popped up between us.

God, I miss this woman. I miss her because she is my mom. I miss her because she was a good friend to me. I miss hearing her voice. There are a lot of people missing her as we move through the days without her. I reread her poem where the ship is waiting for her and it is with grand wide open arms that she is being received. Just the way she was sent out. With more love than one can imagine!