Moon Encounter on Hwy 5

The last time I went down to visit my dad, I left very early in the morning. The sun wasn't up yet and I was already past Livermore and well on to the droned flatness of Highway 5. I love driving at that time of the morning because the colors of the dawning day are so vivid and fresh. The oat colored hills start coming alive in the morning light and the changing of moon and sun guard is as visible as an IMAX theatre. So it was during this time that the full moon in its setting glory had my complete attention. I pulled over in the rest stop and was frantically trying to find my camera for a picture of this glorious scene. It seemed pathetic to try and catch this on film (uh, well on digital film). I knew my camera wouldn't really be able to capture this. So I calmed down and resigned myself to a 'in the moment' experience. I believed so strongly that my mother was watching also from wherever she has landed.

I noticed out of the corner of my eye, this guy with a "GOOD" camera was snapping away! I ran over to him with my business card and asked him if he would mail me the pictures he was taking. He seemed like he was in a hurry and took my card and said, "sure, sure." That was weeks ago. In fact the full moon is just coming around again. So lo and behold I got the pictures just the other day in the email! He captured the beauty of the moon setting so beautifully! Turns out he was on his way to his Aunt's funeral down south. His name is Ching Chang. And if you ever need a realtor in Davis - here is his biz info.
cychang@juno.com
College Town Realty
522 G St Davis, CA 95616
work:(530) 753-1500 cel:(530)219-5173
Fax: (530) 753-1503

Another dream

Oh how the dreams become vivid during the waxing of the moon! They arrive in full color and saga development. This was another visit by my mother. I won't go into all the details as there were so many detours, journeys and explorations during this sequence, I was confused when I woke up whether I was coming or going.

But the dream concerning my mother was she came into a house that I was living in. She was in her early sixties and wasn't too happy. She was frustrated and she was hungry. I wasn't surprised to see her but upset that she wasn't a happy camper. So I volunteered to go out and get some food for her. It was in that sequence where uh, I got distracted as I sometimes do and ended up many different places - none of them resulting in any food for my mom!

But towards the end of the journey, I stopped in to see my dad who was living in an apartment complex. It was noisy place with outside hallways. His window was open, with no screen and I peeked in through the drawn curtains. He was asleep on the couch even though it was in the afternoon. I called out to him, "Dad?" He opened a bleary red eye and mumbled that he just can't sleep without my mom next to him. I walked in and he got up from the sofa. I felt bad for him as his sadness was palpable.

He decided to go with me and we went over to pick up mom. It was as if they couldn't see each other. And I was in the middle of the two. I said to him, "Well why don't you just have mom move back in with you! It's not like you got divorced. It's not like she didn't like you and divorced you and that's why she isn't with you!!" He looked at me in disbelief and said, "Oh no! I couldn't bear losing her again." And it was said with such solemnity that I said no more. But I was still trying to figure it out in my head,and my mom was in the back seat wondering if I was ever going to get her food. I was thinking, "Ummm let's see. If she moved back in - it's not like she can take care of dad anymore..." And slowly, the realization was sinking in that she was not of this world anymore. That there would be no moving back into a home with dad. That there would be no more of mom and dad in this world. And that Dad was the one in touch with reality. Not me. I straddled between two worlds.

I woke up feeling very sad and missing my mom and missing my 'mom and dad' together as they have been for me for 52 years. I won't keep saying how strange this process is but I will continue to be amazed by it. During the week, I am generally so busy with my "doingness" that I don't feel the grief so much but I sure do on the weekends. And every weekend is different in how I experience the loss of my mom. It feels like something that I don't get over but something that I learn to live with.

The moon dream

My mom visited me last night in my dreams. It was so lovely to see her although she was slight in density and kind of floating along. There was a full moon shining in the night sky and I exclaimed, "Mom! Do you know every time I see a full moon, I think of...." She interrupted me softly and said, "Yes dear, I know. I know." And the feeling was one of a quiet love and a quiet memory. An exchange we had many many times over many many moons. No matter where I was in the world, when I saw a gorgeous full moon, I thought of my mom. Sometimes I could call her and she would dash outside to see if she could see the moon too. Other times, it was in a catch up phone call - Or she would call me and say, "Molly! Have you seen the moon tonight? Go look at it!" Those calls came less and less as my parent's lives got smaller. Very rarely would they go out at night so she would miss the rising of the moon.

But our house on Rudd Road was prime moon viewing property. That is how the tradition got started. Having it rise above the hills, its light shadowing and preparing the way for the big round ball....slowly, slowly it came up until it had risen into the sky and mom and I would be on the back patio just watching it rise. Lovely lovely memories..
And even now....in her other world, we come together to watch the moon rise.

The Currents of Aftermath

I was down visiting my dad this last week. I started sorting out things of my mother's. Going through drawers, her office and then her closet. I was given the grace to look through things without feeling destroyed with loss. How that happened, I truly do not know. But I was grateful.

I have to relay the contents of this one Birthday card I had sent to my mother in 1978. I understood so deeply when I read this, the amount of distress I caused my mom with my lackadaisical lifestyle. My poor parents had NO idea what to do with me during this time of my life.

Hi there,
How was your trip to Vancouver? Beautiful huh? I'm at Tricia's house now, working for Barb and Ed. I'll be leaving around August 11th to go to Michigan for another music festival and to see my friend Brown. Then possibly, on to New York with Judith, depending on my money.

Its real nice to be some place for awhile and get caught up with my life - absorb my travelling experiences. But the bug is still strong in my, so I'll probably continue moving around for a couple of months. If I can get on a "hoedad" crew, I hope to be tree planting in oregon in the fall. Its excellent money for the hard work, so who knows - I'll keep you posted.

Have a real happy birthday. I'll be thinking of you. Love, Molly

I was telling Dad, "All mom would say to me as she let out a sigh, was, "God, can't you get a nice job in a bank somewhere?" It drove her crazy that I was so unsettled and travelling here and there. She was always grateful when I would settle somewhere. Although, settling in Alaska for five years wasn't quite the idea she was thinking of.

I had such a nice time with my dad. Just watching movies at night with him gave me comfort. Its a new kind of relationship I have with him. One that is so much more present and immediate. I am grateful to feel so close with him.

Touching the Storm

I'm down here in Oceanside visiting my dad. Well not visiting. Its so much more than that. I'm here because he needs me. He needs his family. I'm here because there are things to do with my mom being gone. I'm here because I want to be here. I want to be near my father. I want to be in the house that mom "made" a home.

I've been surprised that the storm of grief hasn't hit me as it was before - swirling uncontrollably without any plan or destination. No, it feels like it is in the distance waiting more for an invitation, an opening to come in gently. My focus is on my dad and taking care of what I can while I'm down here. He is preparing himself to move and I am preparing myself to help him move. To say goodbye to this place of home for so many years.

So I throw away what I can and at this point - its the very very basic stuff. Old business cards that had been saved. Doctors that my mother went to. She had one card, scribbled all over the card. No! No! No! I guess she didn't like that doctor!

But I did open her cosmetic drawer in the bathroom and put on some blush that she used. And boom! The door of grief swung open, taking my breath away. I was pushed into a memory of seeing my mom apply "her face" and it was like I could feel the feelings she would have as she made herself pretty for the public. I looked at her mascara, her lipstick and her pin curls. God, anyone who knew my mother knew what a big deal her hair was. We almost had an entire trip in Europe ruined because her hair wouldn't comply and look as well as she wanted it too. Thank god, she remembered the old fashioned way of getting curls. She bought pincurls and went to bed with all sorts of these metal things sticking out. I was grateful because it meant she was a happy camper for the day "to have a little curl" in her hair.

So the invitation extended by my gracious grief still has the punch of a hurricane when opened...but I am grateful for the reprieve. Time when I can just be with my dad. My primary parental relationship. My dad. Its a new world. A new relationship.