...under the circumstances.
And what are these circumstances? Well trying to operate through life and responsibilities while healing a big fat hole in my heart. And at this point, the healing, if that is what is associated with a grief process, hasn't really started. Nope, it feels more like its still getting wounded. Whaaaaat???
Pictures of my family, memories of times together, future tripping about my family sans Gloria, thoughts of how my dad is getting through this time, talks with my sisters and on and on it goes. All these things stab at my heart as I try and grasp the fact that my mom is no longer here in physicality.
People have asked, "Well doesn't it help to know that she is with you spiritually?" Uh.... No. It doesn't help. That is an entirely different matter than acknowledging and knowing that she isn't here in body, language, speech and all these wonderful human senses.
Can I feel her presence? Yes. Without a doubt. But I feel more strongly her absence. It is in that place that I get through each day. Every new thing I go through, which in essence is living each day, I notice how much I want to tell her about it. I want to tell her how nervous I am about the talk I have to Rogue Community College. I want to hear her say, "Oh honey. I know you'll be fine. You'll do great." Can I hear her say that through presence of spirit? Can I know that she will be with me as I give my talk? Ummm yeah, maybe.
But grief says and demands of me that I stop and acknowledge there is a big gap while living each day. When I do that, when I stop, acknowledge and feel that big gap, the tears start welling and running through my psyche. They fall up and over, cleansing my soul until I can breathe a little deeper and allow some fresh acceptance into my heart.
