Grief is a funny thing. My mom died on April 1st, 2007. We were there for her last breaths on this earth. Profound experience. The spirit leaves the shell of a body and floats around us as if saying "Wheeee. I'm free! I'm free! Look at how light love makes me! Look how wonderful this other side is!"Meanwhile her daughters are weeping and sobbing at the disengagement of our experience from hers. Weeping and sobbing at the 81 years of human experience lost to us except through the memories and stories we have to pull from.
Grief is a funny thing. It feels right now like I am living on top of a huge surging tidal wave that rocks back and forth in my presence. Every once in awhile it spits forward in a grand fashion and sweeps me into uncontrollable tears and full experience of loss. I'm not minding it. I am expecting it.
Its the mind numbing and shell shocked feeling that is getting to me. Small sounds like children shrieking outside feel like nails on a chalkboard. Popping sounds make me jump like a gun has been fired. Small personal annoyances grow to magnitude proportions and sadly it's the person closest to me that gets fired upon. Yes, this is the part that is not fun.Its only been 16 days. And that does not count the three weeks of hospital hell before that. I am a hamster exhausted on its wheel but not giving up and simply getting off the treadmill. They say it's that easy. But my body is doing its grief thing - whether its running from it or running to it.
Grief is having its way with me today.
