Touching the Storm

I'm down here in Oceanside visiting my dad. Well not visiting. Its so much more than that. I'm here because he needs me. He needs his family. I'm here because there are things to do with my mom being gone. I'm here because I want to be here. I want to be near my father. I want to be in the house that mom "made" a home.

I've been surprised that the storm of grief hasn't hit me as it was before - swirling uncontrollably without any plan or destination. No, it feels like it is in the distance waiting more for an invitation, an opening to come in gently. My focus is on my dad and taking care of what I can while I'm down here. He is preparing himself to move and I am preparing myself to help him move. To say goodbye to this place of home for so many years.

So I throw away what I can and at this point - its the very very basic stuff. Old business cards that had been saved. Doctors that my mother went to. She had one card, scribbled all over the card. No! No! No! I guess she didn't like that doctor!

But I did open her cosmetic drawer in the bathroom and put on some blush that she used. And boom! The door of grief swung open, taking my breath away. I was pushed into a memory of seeing my mom apply "her face" and it was like I could feel the feelings she would have as she made herself pretty for the public. I looked at her mascara, her lipstick and her pin curls. God, anyone who knew my mother knew what a big deal her hair was. We almost had an entire trip in Europe ruined because her hair wouldn't comply and look as well as she wanted it too. Thank god, she remembered the old fashioned way of getting curls. She bought pincurls and went to bed with all sorts of these metal things sticking out. I was grateful because it meant she was a happy camper for the day "to have a little curl" in her hair.

So the invitation extended by my gracious grief still has the punch of a hurricane when opened...but I am grateful for the reprieve. Time when I can just be with my dad. My primary parental relationship. My dad. Its a new world. A new relationship.