Oh how the dreams become vivid during the waxing of the moon! They arrive in full color and saga development. This was another visit by my mother. I won't go into all the details as there were so many detours, journeys and explorations during this sequence, I was confused when I woke up whether I was coming or going.
But the dream concerning my mother was she came into a house that I was living in. She was in her early sixties and wasn't too happy. She was frustrated and she was hungry. I wasn't surprised to see her but upset that she wasn't a happy camper. So I volunteered to go out and get some food for her. It was in that sequence where uh, I got distracted as I sometimes do and ended up many different places - none of them resulting in any food for my mom!
But towards the end of the journey, I stopped in to see my dad who was living in an apartment complex. It was noisy place with outside hallways. His window was open, with no screen and I peeked in through the drawn curtains. He was asleep on the couch even though it was in the afternoon. I called out to him, "Dad?" He opened a bleary red eye and mumbled that he just can't sleep without my mom next to him. I walked in and he got up from the sofa. I felt bad for him as his sadness was palpable.
He decided to go with me and we went over to pick up mom. It was as if they couldn't see each other. And I was in the middle of the two. I said to him, "Well why don't you just have mom move back in with you! It's not like you got divorced. It's not like she didn't like you and divorced you and that's why she isn't with you!!" He looked at me in disbelief and said, "Oh no! I couldn't bear losing her again." And it was said with such solemnity that I said no more. But I was still trying to figure it out in my head,and my mom was in the back seat wondering if I was ever going to get her food. I was thinking, "Ummm let's see. If she moved back in - it's not like she can take care of dad anymore..." And slowly, the realization was sinking in that she was not of this world anymore. That there would be no moving back into a home with dad. That there would be no more of mom and dad in this world. And that Dad was the one in touch with reality. Not me. I straddled between two worlds.
I woke up feeling very sad and missing my mom and missing my 'mom and dad' together as they have been for me for 52 years. I won't keep saying how strange this process is but I will continue to be amazed by it. During the week, I am generally so busy with my "doingness" that I don't feel the grief so much but I sure do on the weekends. And every weekend is different in how I experience the loss of my mom. It feels like something that I don't get over but something that I learn to live with.
