I was awake last night completely stressed out about my father. I could feel the tension in my jaw and face. I could physically feel the control I was trying to exert manifest in my body. I kept saying to myself, "Relax! RELAX! relax..... It will work out." But my thoughts were like a hamster cage running all my itself.
I remembered an acrynom used for folks having a hard time picturing what a God of their choice would look like - feel like. "G.O.D. = Good Orderly Direction." When I said that and felt its meaning, I relaxed. It gave me a guide that I didn't have to control or force. Things that are needed would happen. Most of those things are in the future with their own way of unfolding. Good. Orderly. Direction.
I was given this direction while my mother was dying. I asked for strength in each moment to do the best I could in staying present. I was given that strength. I look back at that time and I know I was carried. I have to remember that I am being carried right now. Except I want the spirit carrying me to run, not journey, not meander about, but RUN! I want that because I want relief from my personal worry. I want to be prepared! I want my father taken care of!! And I want it NOW.
Good Orderly Direction
Everything will work out the best way in its own way. All I can do is set up as much as I can, a pathway that makes sense for my dad to live out the rest of his days. And maybe it means that I come down here for a couple more months, cook up lots of meals for him, have a movie marathon while visiting and encourage him to get out for some social time. What else can I do?
Good Orderly Direction.
I have to remember that there are other forces at work. I have to remember that I have two sisters who are my family and this is not all mine to take on. I have to remember that there are divine spirits that help guide each and every one of us. And Dad has his own Good Orderly Direction that he follows or perhaps fights against. I'm certainly fighting againsts mine!! For today though, I think I'll just keep repeating to myself, Good Orderly Direction = God.
