Crumbling castle....

I thought about a crumbling castle as I drove home from being with my 87 year old father for the last couple of days. The mighty McCormick domain ruled by Robert the king master. I say this in somewhat of a jest but in reality - it is an attitude that prevailed in our household. I'm not even sure how much of it was perpetuated by him. It was the backdrop of our times - trying to raise three girls in the midst of the 50's, 60's, 70's and 80's. My mother was held responsible for keeping the domain calm and healthy. She held the role of making the home a refuge for him after working. And to this end, we were always told..."Your father has the last word on this. You have to ask your father. Wait until I tell your father about this." It was usually with dread that we heard those statements. Although, I must say by the time I was a teenager, my father's response was much more open than my mom's. It still didn't dissipate the power that we all gave my father in matters concerning the family.
And this is exactly what is at work or at odds right now as we watch him grow more frail. He still has that tone of voice that says, "Now girls, you really don't understand how complicated or how difficult this would be..." And I find myself wilting and thinking, "Oh yes, he most certainly knows more than I right now..."
Then I walk away and say to myself, "HEY! Wait a minute! That doesn't make sense!" But I cannot confront him or if I do...the words seem to dissipate somewhere between his listening ears and the place in his brain that would understand the train of thought. He walks away, not wanting to deal with such harsh reality. I don't blame him. He has to deal with so much on a daily basis. And I cannot fathom what it is like to have my ability to think, remember and understand dwindle away as it has.
And so I think about a crumbling castle because with my mother gone, and my dad hanging on - the perception of family as I have lived with all my life is changing. The castle is smaller on the horizon and a new home is being built upon its foundation.

Good Orderly Direction

I was awake last night completely stressed out about my father. I could feel the tension in my jaw and face. I could physically feel the control I was trying to exert manifest in my body. I kept saying to myself, "Relax! RELAX! relax..... It will work out." But my thoughts were like a hamster cage running all my itself.


I remembered an acrynom used for folks having a hard time picturing what a God of their choice would look like - feel like. "G.O.D. = Good Orderly Direction." When I said that and felt its meaning, I relaxed. It gave me a guide that I didn't have to control or force. Things that are needed would happen. Most of those things are in the future with their own way of unfolding. Good. Orderly. Direction.

I was given this direction while my mother was dying. I asked for strength in each moment to do the best I could in staying present. I was given that strength. I look back at that time and I know I was carried. I have to remember that I am being carried right now. Except I want the spirit carrying me to run, not journey, not meander about, but RUN! I want that because I want relief from my personal worry. I want to be prepared! I want my father taken care of!! And I want it NOW.

Good Orderly Direction

Everything will work out the best way in its own way. All I can do is set up as much as I can, a pathway that makes sense for my dad to live out the rest of his days. And maybe it means that I come down here for a couple more months, cook up lots of meals for him, have a movie marathon while visiting and encourage him to get out for some social time. What else can I do?

Good Orderly Direction.

I have to remember that there are other forces at work. I have to remember that I have two sisters who are my family and this is not all mine to take on. I have to remember that there are divine spirits that help guide each and every one of us. And Dad has his own Good Orderly Direction that he follows or perhaps fights against. I'm certainly fighting againsts mine!! For today though, I think I'll just keep repeating to myself, Good Orderly Direction = God.

The next phase. Dad.

See that ball? See that pin flag on the green? I wish I could navigate my life as easy as putting a ball on the green to the desired target. This stuff though ain't no fun to navigate and I'm not very good at it. Ha! Who would know what "good" is, anyway?

My dad - living on his own since mom died. He's doing okay for himself. Feeds himself out of the meals we daughters have made for him in the freezer. Picks up his medication and goes to his doctors appointments. Tries to walk a little bit during the day. And my heart breaks for him. It breaks when I talk to him on the phone. It breaks when I see him and hang out with him. He has become in my mind "elderly." I don't know why I've not called him that before. Perhaps he had my mother to lean on and his wit is still strong and sharp. But after this visit, I see that he is elderly. That one fall will break his bones - that his body is breaking down in its age. Small meals, quick and frequent visits to the bathroom, faulty and missing short term memory banks, confusion for small understandings. And my heart breaks because he is going too. He is going where my mom so happily resides now. I don't know when but it won't be long. I don't get the feeling that we will be moving him up here. Its too much for him. He says he will go quickly and not to worry about anything. But who really knows. All I know right now, is that it is tough. I hate it. I hate saying goodbye to my parents. And I know that someday this will all be looked upon without such deep pangs in my heart.