I thought about a crumbling castle as I drove home from being with my 87 year old father for the last couple of days. The mighty McCormick domain ruled by Robert the king master. I say this in somewhat of a jest but in reality - it is an attitude that prevailed in our household. I'm not even sure how much of it was perpetuated by him. It was the backdrop of our times - trying to raise three girls in the midst of the 50's, 60's, 70's and 80's. My mother was held responsible for keeping the domain calm and healthy. She held the role of making the home a refuge for him after working. And to this end, we were always told..."Your father has the last word on this. You have to ask your father. Wait until I tell your father about this." It was usually with dread that we heard those statements. Although, I must say by the time I was a teenager, my father's response was much more open than my mom's. It still didn't dissipate the power that we all gave my father in matters concerning the family.
And this is exactly what is at work or at odds right now as we watch him grow more frail. He still has that tone of voice that says, "Now girls, you really don't understand how complicated or how difficult this would be..." And I find myself wilting and thinking, "Oh yes, he most certainly knows more than I right now..."
Then I walk away and say to myself, "HEY! Wait a minute! That doesn't make sense!" But I cannot confront him or if I do...the words seem to dissipate somewhere between his listening ears and the place in his brain that would understand the train of thought. He walks away, not wanting to deal with such harsh reality. I don't blame him. He has to deal with so much on a daily basis. And I cannot fathom what it is like to have my ability to think, remember and understand dwindle away as it has.
And so I think about a crumbling castle because with my mother gone, and my dad hanging on - the perception of family as I have lived with all my life is changing. The castle is smaller on the horizon and a new home is being built upon its foundation.
