Good Orderly Direction

I was awake last night completely stressed out about my father. I could feel the tension in my jaw and face. I could physically feel the control I was trying to exert manifest in my body. I kept saying to myself, "Relax! RELAX! relax..... It will work out." But my thoughts were like a hamster cage running all my itself.


I remembered an acrynom used for folks having a hard time picturing what a God of their choice would look like - feel like. "G.O.D. = Good Orderly Direction." When I said that and felt its meaning, I relaxed. It gave me a guide that I didn't have to control or force. Things that are needed would happen. Most of those things are in the future with their own way of unfolding. Good. Orderly. Direction.

I was given this direction while my mother was dying. I asked for strength in each moment to do the best I could in staying present. I was given that strength. I look back at that time and I know I was carried. I have to remember that I am being carried right now. Except I want the spirit carrying me to run, not journey, not meander about, but RUN! I want that because I want relief from my personal worry. I want to be prepared! I want my father taken care of!! And I want it NOW.

Good Orderly Direction

Everything will work out the best way in its own way. All I can do is set up as much as I can, a pathway that makes sense for my dad to live out the rest of his days. And maybe it means that I come down here for a couple more months, cook up lots of meals for him, have a movie marathon while visiting and encourage him to get out for some social time. What else can I do?

Good Orderly Direction.

I have to remember that there are other forces at work. I have to remember that I have two sisters who are my family and this is not all mine to take on. I have to remember that there are divine spirits that help guide each and every one of us. And Dad has his own Good Orderly Direction that he follows or perhaps fights against. I'm certainly fighting againsts mine!! For today though, I think I'll just keep repeating to myself, Good Orderly Direction = God.

August already. 4 months and counting

I miss my mom. When I miss my mom like this, it makes it difficult to work, to play, to focus on much. Its a gray time - matches the color of the weather we've been having. I was reminded that its only been 4 months. I can see my impatience gripping on to this grief process. Trying to nip it, make it smaller, make it manageable, make it Go Away!

Yeah, now I'm back to the regular coping mechanism for feeling bad. Make it go away. Distract...anything to keep me from that base emotion of "I miss my mom and there is nothing I can do about it." Thank God, grief has its own life, a master of its own destiny because if I had my way - I don't think I would choose to feel this way. This muted veil that keeps me from being in my "active life." The active life that is engaged with an exterior world. No, grief takes over the interior doings, the soul and spirit. Grief demands this attention and when it asks for this attention, it expects to receive it. My resistance only makes things more complicated. Letting go and surrendering means saying no to "my way" and hello to the "soul's way." I think I can give my mom, my loss, my family and myself some time to visit with this intense place.