Phooey!

I can hear my mother saying that in my head. "Oh Phooey!" She would say it in disgust, when something wasn't turning out the way she expected. Like when she would take a putt that leaned down the green instead of nearing the hole. "Oh Phooey!"Or when she dialed the wrong number in haste and couldn't get her bearings to redial.
This is my attempt to be lighthearted about my current state of mind. Even as I write this, I feel a bit lighter saying, "Oh Phooey!" My heart speaks of stronger words, of more turmoil than a stupid little saying like phooey.

I am no stranger to this feeling that I am currently underscored with. I was visiting my dad this weekend as I usually do once a month. But on this visit, he insisted on going through his little safe hidden away in the bedroom. My sisters and I have gone through and through this with him. But with his faltering memory, its a new experience every time he sees his important papers and he shows us, like Bill Murray's movie Groundhog Day - the same things over and over. This time though, I had happened to open the box with my mother's wedding ring in it. I don't know what happened but seeing it punched me with a physical force that took my breath away and caused the tears welled up. My dad was still fumbling away in the papers and I had to leave the room to let out a sob.

The grief visit has not left me but imbibes me with a lack of focus, shortness of attention and labile emotions that tell me to forget about wearing any mascara. I've stopped wondering why it comes up when it does. The bigger piece is to accept that it's here and that I'm not really of "right mind" in this state. Normally I would get angry with myself that I can't get it together and need to "settle down!" As I write that, I can also hear my mother saying THAT to me! "For Pete's sake, molly - settle down and get some work done!" But I can't today. No matter how many attempts I make to organize myself for my paycheck job or for my writing class tonight, I can't pull my attention from the space that is beyond words and more comfortable in tears and uninterrupted quietude. "Oh phooey. I'm losing a day of productivity. Phooey! Phooey! Phooey! And that's it.