The Journey Home

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.

It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.

- Mary Oliver

I love this poem because it encapsulates the mind body integration work. When we start clearing the obstacles of deeply held beliefs and the energy it holds in the body....we can hear that "...new voice which you slowly recognize as your own." It is amazing what tumbles out when there is space created from the energetic release. But first you must have the courage to walk into the wild night.

Life on Life's Terms

My big sister passed away on the 29th of September at age 60. She had multiple health problems and challenges. For her body, it was a blessing to be relieved of the suffering and fighting to stay alive. For her spirit, I'm sure it is still a blessing to be free of earthly constraints.
For me, I am left with a hole in my heart that is running around looking for her to share my latest experiences, thoughts, laughs and all that we talked about when we got together. I am no stranger to grief but I guess I didn't expect to revisit this process quite so soon.
It is odd to experience a shifting family foundation. I know my foundation is in place but I took it for granted that it would be supported by a continuing relationship with family members. I have one sister left. My father in just one month's time has crossed over the line into dementia so I don't really feel like I "have" him anymore.
It is the beginning of a new season for me and my idea of family. I am so blessed by the many many friends that I can call family. I am blessed for the reminder that I was raised in a loving Catholic environment. I feel no need to "recover" from my Catholic upbringing. It was kind, loving and all priority was given toward service. The vigil that we had for Brigid reflected those values and I was reminded of how we girls were raised by our parents and by the Church.
My time, though sad, is full of gratitude and blessings for all that I have been given in this life. I am just a little closer than I was before in appreciating the experience of being alive. It doesn't last forever, that much is guaranteed.

My Teacher Rocks!

I've mentioned before that I'm studying with Wynn Tamura of www.mindbodyintegration.net. I'm also a client of his. I don't ask clients of mine to do anything that I haven't already experienced. I like testing the waters for others. Today I hobbled in to see Wynn, hoping for some relief from the bicycle tumble I took 15 days ago. I got what I wanted plus being blown away once with potency of matching the subconscious physical holding with old belief systems.

He hooked my right leg that had been stuck in pain since the accident around his arm while sending energy down the other leg. Actually I don't know what the hell he was doing but I plan on learning it! The pain had been sharp from day one and unlike the other aches and pains, did not change in focus or intensity. Wynn said to me, "Oh this isn't really about the accident. This is an old belief that you're holding on to."

Now granted, I'm the first to roll my eyes and say "Oh Brother!" when hearing these kinds of statements. I've heard this kind of thing from others and not been able to believe the practitioner nor trust them in any letting go fashion. However I have been working with Wynn for over three years and I do trust him. He had me go inside to my emotions and there it was. A very very old belief system that still rules my life. I was able to feel its weight and the tears rose to the surface, the emotional pain exposed. Ahhh acceptance. There it is. The sharp pain that had been dogging me for 15 days left. Just like that. It left.

Will it come back? Maybe. But it won't have the stronghold it had before, lounging in my denial. Did I know I was in denial? Nope. But I know now, what that looks like. Because the subconscious belief/wound is now much more conscious, I can make choices that I couldn't see before. Who knew? Who knew that such an old old belief could wreak such havoc in my poor ol beat up body? And yes, the accident can be seen as a gift...a way to release more stuff that isn't true and isn't necessary.
This work rocks!!

What is it?

Mind Body Integration is an educational process. People ask me if it falls into the realm of healing or therapy. Through education and the connection that happens has a result of learning something about yourself results in feeling healed.

But what is healing? To me, it feels spacious. It feels like I can take a deeper breath, that there is more room in my body to bring in air, inspiration. Engaging in this awareness work washes away the defenses of old traumas, hurts, shames that live within us unconsciously.

Once you feel the place in your body where that wound exists, physically, metaphorically and emotionally, something happens with the synergy and a new freedom surges in that wasn't there before.

It will just happen...

"Yogic Philosophy has an idea called “Spontaneous Right Action”. It means when the body and the mind are in harmony and we begin to do the right things to support our wellbeing it becomes easier and easier to make the best choice for ourselves on every level. We don’t have to “THINK” about it, we don’t have to FORCE ourselves to do the right things, to eat nourishing foods, to exercise correctly, to be considerate of those around us, to treat others with honesty and generosity … it will just happen!" Kay Rice Wellness Coach



This is a great description of the mind body integration work that I am doing. When a client experiences the flowing freedom that exists in the nonstop current of chi, something breaks open in their consciousness. A new perspective of responsibility, the kind that gives us relief 'Ahhh, there is something I can do about this. This is something I can grab hold of and actually change." It reduces the projection and manifestation of distractions - all those things that keep us from feeling deeply and experiencing life for what it is. The process in mind body integration work facilitates the touching of those areas, emotionally and physically. When the client is on the table, I touch the area that I can see is tight - either through their breathing, tightened musculature or rigidity. I ask them to feel my hand in that area...this is the first and basic mind body connection. Relaxing into the acknowledgement of connection awakens the flow in that area - feelings may come up or not. The first step has been taken. They have come into their body and the journey begins.

This following article is written by Judith Kravitz, founder of Transformational Breathing.

Breath: The Dance Of Spirit -- "Breathing into the Divine"
by Judith Kravitz


One of my favorite quotes about the Breath is, “The Breath is the Movement of Spirit in the Body”,
by Dr. Andrew Weil.

In many languages breath means, or is derived from, the root word Spirit. In Italian, it is respire, French is respiration, in Spanish, breath is respirare, in English to inspire is to breathe. All of these have at their core "to inspire" or "be filled with Spirit"... In Arabic, the term for the "One who takes the first and last breath" is ho, (pronounced who).

There are many Spiritual practices built around breathing. In all forms of yoga breathing is an an important component. Most meditation practices focus on the breath, and breath is at the heart of the Tantric rituals, Tai Chi and most martial arts work intensely with breathing as well.

Easterners have known forever that the breath is the key to accessing Spiritual realms. The Master Babaji has said, "Breathing is the gateway between the visible and invisible worlds." This is a time on the planet where we are shifting from human perception to spiritual consciousness...

... A great metaphor is that our lives are a dance. How is your dance? Chaotic and out of rhythm? Or are you stuck in the cha-cha-cha of the 70's? Maybe your dance is smooth and flowing" Would you like the dance of your life to be more open and flowing? Would you like the energy of Spirit to inspire your dance more?

So how does our breath become the dance of Spirit First of all it is important to have the intention of wanting more Spirit in our lives. We also need to make the connection that one of the most profound ways to do this is through our breathing. Then we can invoke that into our experience with our words and envision that it has already happened. Just declare it now with thanks and confidence.

Experiencing more Spirit through Transformational Breathing develops in steps. The first part is to open one's breath so that the air flow fully accesses the whole respiratory systems and the life-force energy then has the ability to flow through the whole body. This means breath flowing from the lowest part of the abdomen all the way to the upper chest. This is a process for some, as breathing patterns are formulated for most at birth and are traditionally constricted. With awareness and commitment most can begin to meaningfully open their breath with practice.

The next necessary step is to clear the energetic patterns that cause the breath to shut down in the first place. This represents negative emotions and thoughts, past traumas, and other suppressed negativity in the subconscious mind. First, these patterns are accessed by breathing into the previously closed areas. Then the high energy of the open connected breath raises the energy of the once lower energy blockages and thus creates an opening for the breath and the movement of life force to flow more freely.

This opening of the breath allows the integration of one's body, mind and spirit. We can then welcome Spirit into our body while breathing and feel each cell ignite with its presence and know that the movement of breath is the movement of Spirit coming into form.


Judith speaks of this wonderful God given ability to heal ourselves through breath and mindfulness. It works best with another person observing and helping the client feel and acknowledge the obstructed areas, physically and emotionally. When we are able to dislodge and let go of those tightened and shut down areas, we have an opportunity to experience what the word Yes feels like. Yes to more breath, inspiration, life and possibilities.

Bringing it all together...

There have been times in my life when things came together in a way that made me say "Yes. This is right. This is exacty where I am supposed to be or be doing right now." Of course I'm more amenable to saying that when things are going in a way that I agree with, make me feel good or have some other positive bent to it. I've also been in the place where I've said, "No, I simply cannot accept this. I do not like this and I don't think I'm supposed to be here right now." Accompanied by the stomping of my feet! But it was the right place at the right time. My soul knew it. The controlling aspect of my ego disagreed because it didn't fall into my pleasure arena.

I'm trying to listen to my soul more. Trying to give it the light of the day so it can shine and brighten up my journey. I've been studying with Wynn Tamura and his process of Mind Body Integration for the last three years. Something fell forth in the last workshop he gave and the tethering pulls of my past loosened so I could understand the power of this kind of work. I've been held back by trying to feel what he feels when he moves energy. Well there is no way I can get to his level any time soon. He's been at it for 25 years, along with his innate ability to sensate below the obvious levels of consciousness. But I what I did understand is that I have my own way to seeing, feeling and being present with others.

Twenty years ago, I graduated from a year long massage therapy program in Chicago. Ten years later I graduated with a Masters in Psychology/ Counseling from Antioch University, Seattle. Five years later, I was certified as a Professional Personal Coach at the Coaching Institute in San Rafael, California. And here I am today - bringing these modalities together to help people increase their awareness of the unconscious patterns preventing them from feeling joy in their lives. It is clear to me that the patterns existing below the surface create havoc and dis'ease when they aren't acknowledged. The pool of healing is endless once a person can 'feel' that stuckness in their body, become aware of the mechanisms they've created to protect all that is below the discomfort. I've been given a gift of freedom and spaciousness from my teacher's journey and him sharing it and educating me. I've tasted the nectar. I know it's the right thing when I'm compelled (like the 12th step in AA) to give back - to give it away - to help anyone else who wants this freedom in their life.

So this is the beginning post of my new journey as a coach and counselor working to help people integrate their mind and body together for more joyous living.

Wonderful poem for these days

Old News

I walk past the Hardin-Bergia:
it hasn’t got the news.
Sending forth tender purple micro
blossoms crafted
to celebrate the coming spring,
it’s oblivious to
this global meltdown.

The nectarine tree readies
its small bursts of
snowy hope on stems’ ends,
unclear or unconcerned,
that the collapse is coming.

What to make of this ignorant
spring grass engorging the orchard?
Birds who flit from tree to tree
and sing alive
these futile mornings?
Who store their seeds,
depart on their migrations?

Something still is working:
the only true ground, spreading the word:
our next deposit,
our next withdrawal, as near as
our next spent
breath.

- Scott O'Brien

Engage With Grace

I was told about this project from a client of mine in Boston. It helped her lead the conversation with her parents about end of life issues.

http://www.engagewithgrace.org/

They use one slide to show the 5 questions to ask and discuss with your loved ones. They are provocative and personal questions that we should all look at and have documented.

From personal experience, I have seen how medical intervention and "saving lives at all costs" can interfere with a patient's quality of life. It is good to know before an emergency or end of life status what our preferences are.

Check out the site, use it and pass it on.
http://www.engagewithgrace.org/content/theoneslide.jpg

Some Perspective on Prop. 8

Unlike many of my friends and family, I am not devastated by Proposition 8 passing. I really didn't think we would be able to beat the millions of dollars pouring in from pulpits across America to advertise their "God given opinion." I realized a long time ago that I live in a bubble with my residence in the Bay area of Northern California. Like most cities, we screaming left liberals, gays, lesbians and transgender people have a safety net of numbers. Here we are safe by the fact that we are surrounded by own like minded compadres. Travel 100 miles east or north of the Bay area and we've got the rest of California. The rest of California who are surrounded by their own like minded compadres. These are farming, ranching communities. These are parts of sprawling suburbs. These are areas with different lifestyles and different values.

I drove north on Highway 5 this week from the bay area. The Vote Yes on 8 placards were on cars, lawns, buildings, bumpers. I didn't see one sign opposing Proposition 8 as I did my 6 hour drive to Oregon. Not one. As I passed by the cars, I looked at the drivers. They were just regular folks trying to get home from work, or maybe from picking their kids up from school. My guess is that if i met them in a social setting, they would be nice people. Good Christian folk people. I wondered if any of these placard owners actually knew a gay person. Because if you don't know a gay person, they can remain a pervert, a monster of some sort, something too different and scary from them. And they might pass it on...whatever it is that makes them gay, One woman looked over at me as I passed and I smiled and nodded. Part of me wanted to let her know that she had just been passed by a lesbian. And she survived.

The arguments I heard for Proposition 8 were mainly a defensive posturing against something they thought we would take away. There is so little understanding of lesbian and gay issues especially where our rights fall within the law. Throw in morality and our civil rights work sinks. I cannot get upset with this new development because we, lesbians, gays and transgenders are in a process. A very long process of being recognized as full citizens, being granted equal rights. We are so much closer than we have ever been. I remember our history. This is one good thing of being older. I remember the closet. And I know there are many people still living there. Like snails and tortoises we are making movement out of our shells, out of our safe neighborhoods of like mindedness. We are getting more activity in the courts. We are making progress.

When I really need some perspective, I think of my own mother. My very own mother who loved me dearly but it still took a solid two years before she could accept me as a gay woman. Two years of dealing with her own homophobia and disgust that a daughter of hers could be one of "those" people. My goal these days is to continue what Harvey Milk said in a speech close to 20 years ago. These were the words that gave me the courage to come out to my parents and to people around me. "If every one of you would come out of the closet and tell the person who means the most to you, that you are gay, we can make change. But you have to speak up. You have to come out of closet so we can be free." That is my plan to keep moving toward freedom.

Phooey!

I can hear my mother saying that in my head. "Oh Phooey!" She would say it in disgust, when something wasn't turning out the way she expected. Like when she would take a putt that leaned down the green instead of nearing the hole. "Oh Phooey!"Or when she dialed the wrong number in haste and couldn't get her bearings to redial.
This is my attempt to be lighthearted about my current state of mind. Even as I write this, I feel a bit lighter saying, "Oh Phooey!" My heart speaks of stronger words, of more turmoil than a stupid little saying like phooey.

I am no stranger to this feeling that I am currently underscored with. I was visiting my dad this weekend as I usually do once a month. But on this visit, he insisted on going through his little safe hidden away in the bedroom. My sisters and I have gone through and through this with him. But with his faltering memory, its a new experience every time he sees his important papers and he shows us, like Bill Murray's movie Groundhog Day - the same things over and over. This time though, I had happened to open the box with my mother's wedding ring in it. I don't know what happened but seeing it punched me with a physical force that took my breath away and caused the tears welled up. My dad was still fumbling away in the papers and I had to leave the room to let out a sob.

The grief visit has not left me but imbibes me with a lack of focus, shortness of attention and labile emotions that tell me to forget about wearing any mascara. I've stopped wondering why it comes up when it does. The bigger piece is to accept that it's here and that I'm not really of "right mind" in this state. Normally I would get angry with myself that I can't get it together and need to "settle down!" As I write that, I can also hear my mother saying THAT to me! "For Pete's sake, molly - settle down and get some work done!" But I can't today. No matter how many attempts I make to organize myself for my paycheck job or for my writing class tonight, I can't pull my attention from the space that is beyond words and more comfortable in tears and uninterrupted quietude. "Oh phooey. I'm losing a day of productivity. Phooey! Phooey! Phooey! And that's it.

The Olympics!!

I LOVE THE OLYMPICS!!!!

I love watching the athletes in all of their endeavors. The viewing was a bit skewed with NBC running the show but I watched as much as I could. I'm such an armchair athlete that I take full advantage of living vicariously through the different athletes. Then to have someone like Dara Torres touting her competitive abilities at 40 years old. "Right on!!" I say.

And how about the darlings of volleyball? Those women rock! I was screaming for the Belgium team that came out to win in their first set - playing beautifully and sending Misty May Treanor and Kerri Walsh hustling like I hadn't seen them work before. Then as Misty May said in their exit interview - "Well they woke up the sleeping tiger." In the second set - Belgium was squashed in a 10 minute volley and the Americans reigned once again.

The most often heard saying is along the same lines as Jamaican Usain Bolt's declaration, "Anything is possible if I put my mind to it." He had just won a gold medal for the 100 meter run. This is an Olympic's athlete mindset. We get to see a celebration of that discipline and focus in 10 days of physical activities. It's a great break for me from life as usual.

What Constitutes A Vacation?

I signed up with my partner, Noreen for the Bicycle Tour De Colorado. It was billed as a 7 day 403 mile bike ride with 38,000 feet of climbing. We did our training - we bought all the right stuff for the trip. I oxygenated with some kind of supplements that the guys at BikerRX swore by. I got bike fitted so I would have maximum efficiency. Yessiree - we were as ready as we could be.

NOT

We set off from Durango Colorado with 2000 other cyclists. I was amazed at the range of ages of people doing this ride. Mostly men though. We could tell by the fact that there was never a waiting line for the women's showers while the guys were standing 10 deep waiting for their turn. We were relentless in our taunting as they stood in the heat for their shower.

The first day I managed to get in 7000 feet of climbing before the words Uncle came to mind. I was saved somewhat by a horrendous hailstorm that hit us as we reached the Molas Divide summit. We were frozen and exhausted from the climb and the lack of air at 11,000 feet. U Haul trucks ferried us down into town - cutting off 26 miles of riding. I was lucky in that our truck driver left the back door open so we could see the cyclists continue their endeavors in the descent and then up Red Mountain. It convinced me that I would not have been able to finish that ride because of its difficulty.

The second day was easier as it was a flat ride to Montrose. I had enough juice in my legs that I did the 30 mile option up to Black Canyon once we got into town. The climb did not appear to be difficult but the altitude kept me gasping for air and taking breaks along with all the other folks NOT from Colorado.

The third day I started falling apart. My attitude stunk in the morning and I called a truce for my body. I took the sag wagon from the first aid station to the second one - missing a 3000 foot climb. I felt bad for a nanosecond as I watched people climb up to the summit from the truck. But fortunately I got over it with the use of good ol fashioned common sense. This ride was too much for me!! I rode down the 10mile descent and finished the rest of the ride into Telluride. I still had a fair amount of climbing to do but I felt refreshed when I came into town. Noreen did the whole thing and wasn't capable of walking around that night.

The fourth day we had a beautiful and easy ride into a sweet little nothing of a town called Naturita. We descended through lots of red rock canyon and streams. The town welcomed us with booths selling home made food - homemade goodies and just plain good ol hospitality. We also had a band playing and with opportunities to drink beer and sing karoke. Yes, those two I believe have to go together.

The fifth day was a hundred miler. We did great for most of it - including the climb out of Disappointment Valley. But both of us were feeling lots of butt pain - too many days in the saddle and not enough callouses so we jumped on the sag at mile 62. We were impressed with those who made it all the way in. It did not look easy with many rolling hills and ending with trafficked roads.

The sixth day was a beautiful one - riding out of Cortez back to Durango. The climbs were gradual but the scenery breathtaking. Things I learned on the trip was that I could do anything for a day - but 6 days in a row? Umm, questionable! I have a high whine factor that I'm not particularly proud of. I learned that I do a wonderful job living in the past and the future and not such a good job just living in the present moment. Especially if that moment has some discomfort in it!!!

I learned that a vacation is a time away from routines. A time for different perspectives and different experiences. A vacation is when I can spend money freely and not think twice about it. A vacation is when I can miss my friends and family. A vacation is when I can say over and over, "Oh. I wonder what it would be like to live here.... on a ranch...or over here....in this desert...or over here on a Navajo reservation..." A vacation is vacating one's responsibilities....

I did question myself on the validity of this vacation. Where was the pampering? The relaxing? The chilling out? Maybe its now - now that the adventure has been had and I gave it my best effort and managed to have fun in a physically stressful situation. Next year though, I think I'll go on a guided tour with fluffy hotel beds and room service!

But for this year, I have bragging rights to say I rode 311 miles and climbed 25,050 feet in 6 days in the beautiful Southwest area of Colorado. I know what I can do and what I cannot do!


http://www.flickr.com/photos/bike_tour/

Falling In Love the Peony Way

How can a flower sweep me away so profoundly? That is what happens every time I spend a little time gazing at the bouquet of peonies I bought. They start out tightly wad into that clenched perfectly round ball. I look at it and think, "Oh that will never open up...not these store bought versions." I can't imagine a flower able to continue its process after being cut from its root plant weeks earlier and shipped off to the various stores. Like little orphans waiting in its plastic sheathing..."Won't somebody take me home? Really. You won't believe what I can do when you place me in your watered filled vase. Pick me! Pick me!"

And so the budding flowers are in the vase and within hours, they start opening. It is so quick and beautiful in each movement. I am drawn to "being in the moment" with this flower. I walk into the kitchen with anticipation of what changes this full bosomy bud has gone through. I find myself pulled towards them to admire each movement in its sweet journey. Knowing this plant has such a short flowering time - about two or three weeks in June makes it all so much more special. The way this flower blooms with its abundant petals, leaning open with the sunlight and leaning closed for nighttime warmth, from bud to blossom and then waning depletion of its force of beauty. All this in a matter of 4 or 5 days. I'm taking a peony vacation and end up feeling honored and humbled to be part of its living journey.


I also feel extraordinarily blessed because it reminds me of how to live my life. With fullness and abundance. To take care in the evening and rest. To be patient with budding emergence of a bloom that I don't yet own. And to trust that life is the same for me as it is for a gorgeous flower. To be in the moment with each movement on whatever plane I'm conscious of. Yes. All this. And to think I got this wonderful experience from a small bouquet of flowers from Trader Joes for $6.99. If you hurry, there might be some left for another week. And after that....its another year before we see them again.

The Untethered Soul

I am reading a wonderful book a second time. It is rare that I close a book and immediately start from page one again. But this is a jewel that has increased my awareness and opened new doors of seeing. I've been able to bring this work into the Somatic Therapy I've been learning for the last year. It serves as a great adjunct to many spiritual programs.

He gives descriptions of the many facets of our personal beings. There is one chapter that is quite hysterical as he describes our chattering mind as the "neurotic roommate who won't shut up." The beauty of his view is that a deeper and more profound look emerges. Who watches this pesky mind? Who does the observing when we go into judgement or opinions? The book keeps bringing us back to the "Who Am I?" as he helps us fall behind the domineering mind and reminds us that above all we are soul.

Being at the bedside of those who die and leave their body is the most profound reminder of that very simple fact. We are soul first - birthed into human'ness and developed into people dealing with life on life's terms. Or not! The soul asks to be heard and given its place in our lives. If I can do that - moment by moment, I experience a different sense of freedom, one that is not borne of my senses, emotions or thoughts. There is less tethering to these senses, less attachment. I'm not saying I"m having an easy time doing this, because I am not. This leads me into a discussion of how somatic therapy works and why it is a necessary work for some people to be free to move ahead in their personal development.

When there is wounding/trauma from pre-adult years, there are memories stored in the physical body, energetic fields, and emotions. Somatic therapy touches those places with the intent to help them heal in a "nowtime" paradigm. It helps take unexplained emotions and compulsions to a field of understanding. It reaches deeper than intellectual understanding to the physical and energetic places. The tissue gets relief and it expands in new ways that it wasn't able to before, because there was an old force keeping it down. So while I love this book, it makes me cringe when I hear the words, "You just look this way." Ahhhh if only life were that simple. I can understand completely what I am doing, what the consequences are and yet I cannot stop myself from that action. The word "just" has a hundred miles of process between what I want to do and why I don't do it today.

This is why bodywork, coaching, therapy is such stimulating work for me. I love learning about any process that helps individuals move forward. Its a journey that can be as creative as it can be painful. Using the paradigm of Untethered Soul,helps soften the process into a place of "It's all good." We're human with fantastic frailties that make us reach out into community and relationships. Its the humanness of us all that makes life so interesting to observe. We just have to remember to watch the show and enjoy ourselves!

April 1, 2008

Its the one year anniversary of my mother's passing from this world on to the next. I told someone today that I am 'in memory' of witnessing a miracle this time last year. It's a miracle to me that a soul/spirit rises up and out of a human body. We witnessed her transformation and I felt her love and spirit linger in the hospital room as if to cloak us with a pure love energy. This energy that she embodied physically as Gloria McCormick. I'm not saying she was a saint or anything because the dear woman was human after all! She was my mother, my father's wife, my grandmother's daughter and on and on with the identities. Being human is experiencing all of our wonderful imperfection. I have been at the bedside of a few people and animals who have died and have the same experience every time. I feel sense of pure love energy. Its almost palpable and defies language or description. It just is. And it is wonderful. And it is a piece of life that all of us seekers search for, hoping to find snippets of it in daily life. When my mom died, I felt her. I felt her for months afterwards...that wonderful spirit reminding me that life is so much more precious than I give it credit for. So this morning when I woke up and thought about what kind of anniversary this is, I realized that I'm celebrating a miracle and I'm mourning a loss, all at the same time.

I can also see how I have changed in a years time. I reached a point of adulthood and responsibility that I didn't have before. I've fallen in love with my father and all of his frailties and a past that I just don't even care about anymore. I longed all my life for the relationship I have with him now . I have a father that has turned into the sweetest and most giving guy. He's still stubborn as hell and I'm still reduced to a "yes, dad" little girl resignation. But I have a father who tells me he loves me - a father that gets excited about activities I'm doing, even if he can't understand a thing about it - a father that is still protective and eager to give me advice. Maybe what's important is that I'm still able to enjoy him as my parent - something that was lost when Mom became an angel last year. Man! What a wild ride its been.

"I Don't Mind What Happens"

That was a phrase that came up in an online course I am taking. The Heart Rhythm Meditation class is a form of meditation that develops heart capacity and energy. I had two reactions to the statement. The first one was, "What a wonderful way to drop into acceptance" when applied to anything beyond the present moment. If I don't mind what happens, then it means that I'm flexible and open to the outcomes and the reality that I'm in. It means that I"m able to go with the flow and allow for a world beyond my own nose!

Now the flip side of that of course, is the ol' doormat syndrome. Something I've been intimately friendly with over the course of many years. Fortunately that side of me has grown and developed to a less passive state but its been lots of work becoming conscious and aware of fears, obstacles and other things that get in the way of standing up for ourselves. So the "Ohhhh I don't mind what happens," could be a danger flag that one isn't paying attention and will likely get smashed by some errant bulldozer. A small voice after being completely flattened weakly saying, "Hey - I think I do MIND that you're stepping all over me!" Its funny to have both perspectives going on with one statement.

How do we know which one we are operating from? Dropping into the sensations of our body can elicit the truth. It may be that both perspectives are operating at the same time. One of the things that is helpful for me is to think it through to an end, if possible. There are always scripts available - ones that just are about ourselves without anyone else involved - others are all about how we think another person will think or feel. We can have great fun with projection. But it rarely works because we don't ever know how another person is going to react or feel. Its their business. Our business to stay on our side of the street and assess whether we really don't mind what happens - or whether its a statement of complacency and resignation.

Isn't That Wonderful...

Oh I was in a BAAAAAD mood the other day. I couldn't really pinpoint the why's of this bad mood. But it followed me around - like little pigpen of a Charlie Brown cartoon. It dogged my thoughts, my energy. My mouth was tightened and muscles pulled down. It was an annoying way to go through my day and I wanted it changed!

I thought "Okay, I haven't had exercise in days. I need a walk. I need a walk in a beautiful place." And what a kwinky dinky that I was already in Marin. I headed to Tennessee Valley for a walk to the beach. It was grey but looked like we had a reprieve from the rain. Bundled up with cap and gloves, I started my stroll to the beach....the grumbling of my bad mood provided the soundtrack. My refrain to its dissonant tune was "Come on Molly! Enjoy the scenery. Look at the hills, they are finally green again! Notice the landscape and rest your eyes on the beautiful setting. Come on! Come on!"

I got out to the beach and there was a huge sand split with runoff water rushing out to the ocean. I couldn't pass over without taking my shoes and socks off and it was too cold for that. So I managed to get over to the side of the cliffs and find a dry spot to watch the waves and feel the surge of the ocean. "Ahhhh this is good. This is bigger than me. This is something I cannot control." I could take in the force of something that was beyond myself. As I took in the view and matched my mood with the ocean, I started laughing to myself. I imagined the ocean saying to itself, "OH! I can't stand being this stormy and dirty. I can't stand this force behind my waves and having to crash so hard. This is just terrible. Why can't it be a calm day when my water is as blue as the sky and my waves rise and fall calmly on the beach? I really like myself then. Not now! All dirty and stirred up with no rhyme or reason to my actions." I understood that there was no reason to judge myself. The ocean does not judge itself. The natural world does no such thing. It exists as it does, ebbing and flowing with each change.

Why should I treat myself any differently? What if I accepted that I was in a bad mood and that was that? Oh what a sense of relief I felt. Amazing, the power of negative energy! I was given a new perspective. I was given a moment of reprieve from my big ol' all encompassing SELF! I was given room to breathe visually and physically. I felt better!!!!

I started in on my return walk and as I stepped off the rock, I fell into a sand sinkhole that filled up with water. Wet Feet!! I didn't laugh. The bad mood that dissipated rose up in glee. "YEAH!! Let's return to torture her!!" But I was buoyed by my relief and given a great refrain to talk back with. What if I said, "Isn't that wonderful?" to every complaint that came up? Now, I know that sounds really Stuart Smalley BUT it worked! I said, "Oh man, my shoes are all wet and my feet are gonna be cold for the walk back!" "Isn't that wonderful? I know what it is like to have warm feet to compare this experience with!" I tried it with my worries of financing a new car. "Oh I can't figure out how to deal with moving money around." "Isn't that wonderful? I have money to move around and the ability to buy a car." Well you get the drift. It worked to lift any cranky thought or complaint that I came up and the energy released from answering "Isn't it wonderful?" was much more pleasant that the original complaint.

So it was quite a little walk I had out to Tennessee Valley Beach yesterday. Hurray for nature! And Hurray for god-given energy shifts!
Sincerely signed,
Molly Anna

Crumbling castle....

I thought about a crumbling castle as I drove home from being with my 87 year old father for the last couple of days. The mighty McCormick domain ruled by Robert the king master. I say this in somewhat of a jest but in reality - it is an attitude that prevailed in our household. I'm not even sure how much of it was perpetuated by him. It was the backdrop of our times - trying to raise three girls in the midst of the 50's, 60's, 70's and 80's. My mother was held responsible for keeping the domain calm and healthy. She held the role of making the home a refuge for him after working. And to this end, we were always told..."Your father has the last word on this. You have to ask your father. Wait until I tell your father about this." It was usually with dread that we heard those statements. Although, I must say by the time I was a teenager, my father's response was much more open than my mom's. It still didn't dissipate the power that we all gave my father in matters concerning the family.
And this is exactly what is at work or at odds right now as we watch him grow more frail. He still has that tone of voice that says, "Now girls, you really don't understand how complicated or how difficult this would be..." And I find myself wilting and thinking, "Oh yes, he most certainly knows more than I right now..."
Then I walk away and say to myself, "HEY! Wait a minute! That doesn't make sense!" But I cannot confront him or if I do...the words seem to dissipate somewhere between his listening ears and the place in his brain that would understand the train of thought. He walks away, not wanting to deal with such harsh reality. I don't blame him. He has to deal with so much on a daily basis. And I cannot fathom what it is like to have my ability to think, remember and understand dwindle away as it has.
And so I think about a crumbling castle because with my mother gone, and my dad hanging on - the perception of family as I have lived with all my life is changing. The castle is smaller on the horizon and a new home is being built upon its foundation.

The time just keeps on passing....

The holiday season is here. Thanksgiving arrived with the gift of grief. I always think, "Oh I'm prepared for this. I got it handled." Ha-ha! Grief must love those phrases. As if we can control when it rises and shakes the earthly foundation of what we think our day will look like. With the time passing and the grief abating for longer periods of time, I forget the punch that it announces itself with.

So what does grief hand me these days? Many, many memories. They come in with all senses. Remembering the smell of the house with day long cooking, the sounds of many conversations going on at once, glasses being refilled, family members chiding each other over past shenanigans. The feeling of being so full from overeating. Taking dance breaks to do some jitterbugging or whatever to whoever's music is playing at that time. The sight of so many dishes after eating. All of us women in the kitchen cleaning, chatting and sometimes when we were younger, singing songs. I remember noise and mom trying to focus on whatever cooking endeavor needed attention. At age 52, there are so many memories to choose from. I'm blessed with a long family life of grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles and whoever we all brought along for the holiday season.

My mom loved the holidays! She loved the feeling of family coming together. She loved the ritual of getting the house cleaned, the shopping and planning for the meal. She worried herself into exhaustion over the success of the gathering. If I could change anything in my past, it would be to take away my mother's worries about things turning out. It all turns out, no matter what the result. It all turns out in some way. Whether I like how it turns out is another discussion.

But for now, I am honoring grief's punch during this season and giving my memories its due time. This won't be a Christmas season so much for me but a Christmas season for my mother's memories and desires for a wonderful and loving time with her family.